Life as an entity feels extremely fragile right now. Living with anxiety, depression, agoraphobia. It’s been years since I took my first tentative steps into the wild world of severe anxiety.
I’ve always had some form of anxiety from my first attack which I feel like was probably around the age of six years. Playing football at my grandparents home and my legs completely gave way in some unceremonious and indiscriminate manner. Very vividly I remember my Nanna saying to me how funny I looked. She couldn’t have known. Hell I didn’t even know that that was the beginning of a lifelong battle with mental health. Six bloody years old. Still, that was that until many years later. Around the age of nine or ten I found myself sitting in floods of tears at school while unable to comprehend the task at hand. I feel like that probably was not normal. Many similar examples throughout my school career. Maybe Sarah Ingham is right and school is just a conspiracy by the Government to keep children like myself in line!
Fast forward ten years and any thoughts I may have had of a future had long since dissipated as I struggled to come to terms with what I was soon to understand to be anxiety. This soon turned into agoraphobia. One whole year I spent locked away in my third floor flat without being able to get outside. Those were the days! Since then my anxiety has fluctuated from bad to manageable to improving to… BANG! right back to square one and start all over again. Life has been full of start overs. You pick yourself up, take one step at a time, day by day life gets a little easier. Then you have an unforeseen panic attack, your body strewn in unfortunate positions in the street, strangers either fussing over you or wary of you. Can almost feel their nervousness. “What’s up with him? What’s he gonna trick us with?” That’s right. I see you.
The more you grab your life and drag it back to shape only for it to flail once more, the harder it becomes to keep doing it. Harder and harder and harder, until one day you subconsciously think ‘fuck it, no more’. You recluse into your own little world where you let no outsiders in, building for yourself a new routine where you do the same thing day after day after day. That is until you eventually hit a brick wall.
A few weeks ago I had my first major panic attack for a long long time. That was not because I had been improving but more due to not allowing panic in by cutting all possibilities of any form of anxiety. Cutting myself off from society. However, for one reason and one that i cannot fathom i began to panic. I could feel my heart racing and the horrible warm sensation rise from the pit of my stomach. I knew what was coming. I knew I was in trouble. I knew I could not make it home. I could see the door right there, literally in my eyeline. Two or three steps and then home. No, though. Not happening. Couldn’t allow myself to have that. I felt my head become week and my legs and body soon followed as there was no hope. Lying on the cold hard ground I attempted to wriggle to the front door. Made it to the door but couldn’t reach the handle. Couldn’t reach the fucking handle. Seriously? Yeah couldn’t do anything now. Saw a couple of women in the near distance. They called over to see if i was alright. I didn’t answer. I couldn’t answer. It’s too embarrassing. You need their help but have no clue what to say and often no ability to get the words out. They came closer. I noticed they had a child with them. This explains why they came close but kept their distance. I can understand that. Not fucking helpful though. They asked another random stranger if he could help me as i had apparently fallen. He said ‘no’. He had a bad back apparently. Yes i do hear everything. I could hear muffled voices about how none of them were able to help. I called out ‘please can you just open my door for me?!!’ That they could manage it seems. I slithered inside my home.
These experiences are horrendous. Make no mistake about it. Just writing about this is giving me anxiety.
In the days following, I found it increasingly more and more difficult to get out at all, managing a few yards either side of my home, if that. It’s got to the point where leaving the house at all is difficult, but more so it’s affecting me within my safe space of my home which was never the case before.
The toll it’s taken in this past week alone is too much. I can’t take any more. People say I’m strong, you can do this. I can’t. Do I even want to try? Is the end goal even worth it?
Funnily enough, a few months ago I’d say no, but lately aside from this, things were looking up. I’ve met some phenomenal people of late who are worth knowing and worth sticking around for.
To those I’d like to say a massive ‘thank you’ for everything.
I’m worried. I’m concerned. I’m scared. I’m lost. I’m done.
Dougal we always have your back and there’s no need to say thank you we are your friends who truly care for you you keep us going without even knowing 😍❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thanks Bornio. I’m glad I keep others happy, but who’s keeping me going?
I’m here for you always!
Thanks Haley
Hi Dougal. I couldn’t have described the feelings better. I don’t have that awful leg buckling moment as you do, but the rest I do. I don’t go anywhere on my own and haven’t done for the last ten years or so. My daughter and sister help me a few times a year. I have anxieties with the contrails and generally with exposure in open skies areas. I totally get why anyone would wear foil on their head to protect themselves. I constantly doubt a choice or decision and procrastinate to the point that I give up most times. Lately I have been doing YouTube quizzes to help me with this problem. The compulsion to do them is taking up too much of the day on bad days. I have to laugh at myself that I am going to end up an over anxious procrastinating genius!! You write very fluently with emotion and frustration that feels so raw. Keep writing about it, it provides an outlet and who knows, maybe one day you can comfortably walk with the anxiety as something that keeps you safe but doesn’t control or bully you. Thinking of you and sending lots of love to you and all the others like us, we are a really lovely group of people xx
Thanks Joanna and i’m very sorry to hear you have the very same struggles. I’m sure you’ve mentioned it before on one of my podcast episodes, but thank you for sharing again. I’m glad (although not happy you have to go through this) that I am not completely abnormal!
You’d better not be done or I’m going to be very cross, you’re my light in the quagmire I’m in right now.
Knowing that you were an anxious child I’m even more incensed by your so called mother. I hope she has been hanging her head in shame these past 25years or so.
Love you btw. I’ll never leave you flailing on the ground ♥️
Thanks NJ. I don’t think this can all be attributed to my mother. I’ve had an anxious personality since very young. If anything my dad should have made it known that he himself was suffering the exact same as i ended up. Just zero knowledge of mental health in my house and i guess in society in general
You are indeed fortunate to have your very supportive online following. My agoraphobia was so bad I didn’t leave the house for years. No medication/food without my mum getting it. I now have support worker to take me to hospital appointments.
Most won’t understand and as you’ve found are wary to help.
It’s hard to fight back in the throws of an episode. However, I believe you are strong and will. No matter how daunting it is right now.
I’m rooting for you every step of the way.
Thanks Maggie. Unfortunately I don’t believe i’m strong enough to fight off this period in my life. I’ve been there so many times it just gets harder and harder to push back.
Hugs Dougal you aren’t alone xx
Thank you Margaret
Dougal thank you for sharing such a personal insight in to mental health x I suffer mental health and always masked it, I now tell people I suffer x it is something we don’t choose to have, you make me laugh so much your sense of humour, you are loved by us all big momma xxx
Thank you Julie. Yes, please don’t mask it. If nothing else you’ll get more help and more understanding if people know the reason for the why you do the things you do.
Dougal, I may not say much on your media platforms and I did notice your absence from YT, although I didn’t ask how you were, I want you to know that you have my back and I have you in my thoughts. I am so sorry to read of your recent experience but I am also very proud of you to share it with us all as well. I feel privileged that you have entered my life and for that I thank you with all my heart. Even though we are poles apart geographically, mentally we are running on parallel paths.
Thank you Dougal for just being YOU ❤️❤️❤️
Hey Carolyne, I hope you’re doing well. I do miss you on my channel so please don’t think your absence has gone unnoticed. Unfortunately sharing this story was not altruistic or for any meaningful purpose. When you get to the point where very little matters, then what does it matter if a few people get to see it? I don’t know.
I understand how having severe anxiety feels having many panic attacks in college that I eventually had to be medicated for today I’m a lot better still have spikes here and there
Keep up the good work on your channel
I hope you are able to find the help you need, dear Dougal. So many share the same type of experiences, fears, and mental struggles, as you. I hope you can feel how much you matter.
I’m so sorry and I miss you…
Ami…
I’m so sorry ur dealing with this , you are so much stronger then you think the first step is talking about it , I hate leaving my house I’ve pushed my self to take my kids to school everyday but soon I’ve done that I’m home locking my door curtains shut , I was on medication for it and having to do talking therapy , you will get there keep fighting Dougal x
Hi Dougal
I relate so much to the struggle you’re having to try to face. I’ve been there, with Eating disorders, anxiety, depression and PTSD. I watch my son suffer from that same anxiety. It feels that it’s a losing battle,There have been times where I’ve attempted to take my life and just “be done”. Talking to a supportive Counsellor helped. Trying to find that person, amongst the rubbish Counsellors out there took time! They exist, trust me. What gets me through the bad or sad times? I talk about my feelings. I don’t let them win, by pushing them deep inside, anymore. I focus on what, or who, I have to live for. And who needs me to be around. I listen to my son, love him and ALLOW him to be himself, warts and all. I show him it’s OK to be having a bad time. A psychiatrist once told me ” Depression is anger turned inwards” and “Depression may feel as if it lasts forever, with no escape. But depression ALWAYS ends” I’ve learnt, over many years, they’re both true. Depression can also come back but I’ve learnt to recognise it, as it rears it’s dark head. And prepared my return salvos! Please find someone who will truly listen. And know how loved you are, by us all. I know what it feels like, to have no ‘feelings at all’. Just emptiness. That does end…I hope you can start this walk back into YOUR light. Find the something or someone you need to live for. You’re an amazing writer, write down what you struggle to express. For you, to read at these dark times.Even though you can’t feel our love, can’t accept it, or even contemplate how real it is. And you probably feel “so what, how’s that helping me”, it’s real and it’s always there for you. Even when you’re clinging on by your fingernails, LOVE never ends and overcomes all else ❤️ I’m praying for you, hope you don’t mind that?