12 months ago I took my very last bet and embarked upon my biggest gamble yet. Leaving everything i had known for twenty plus years and attempting to survive without that incredibly dangerous dopamine rush.
On 10th October 2024 the curtain fell on my very last bet; a Colombian second tier encounter between Real Santander and Cucuta in which the latter won 2-0. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine being able to cut it all out. Previously if I’d gone a couple of days without placing any bets I’d be pulling my hair out, trying to sell what I could, pawning goods, stealing money, doing whatever was necessary.
During my gambling career I’ve done some not very nice things in order to keep my habit going. I’ve sold things – or pawned them – which belonged to my partner. I’ve stolen from my partner and from friends. I hold my hands up and admit all my wrongdoings. I’ve been a horrible person. It was the addiction. Not an excuse. A reason.
The past twelve months have been quite the roller-coaster. The initial stages of quitting were obviously the worst. Going without consuming something you’ve relied on for decades is so hard to get used to. Fortunately I chose a good weekend to start. There was a break in the football so didn’t even have to think about it as that was my main gambling source. I managed to find a few good distractions so I hardly thought about it. That said, it was not easy. There was a constant ‘missing’ feeling. Something that used to be always on my back was no longer prodding me. It was not pleasant. A feeling of uneasiness.
Once that first weekend was out of the way it became a little less intense. That weekend I had not even checked any sports scores at all – something that I’d do every single day, multiple timers per day. It felt weird. A good weird. A sense of achievement but also strange. Gambling aside, I had spent most of my life following football in particular and, while there weren’t many games that weekend, there was a few. I just didn’t bother though.
On the first week ‘anniversary’ the achievement was real. It felt good. However, that weekend the games were back on. Despite that first successful weekend I still did not feel strong enough to occupy myself with football at all. I tried to watch my own team, but I just couldn’t do it. Any moment the ball went near the goal the feelings of gambling compulsion reared its ugly head. I hated it. Was this to be my life now? This had been my main source of entertainment since I was seven years old. Was I not going to enjoy a football game ever again? Depressing.
Weeks came and went. I avoided or just didn’t bother with the games at all. Only tuning in to watch my team but even then I still had that awful feeling within me.
Months passed and with each one, I celebrated a new achievement. My Gamban account kept me updated. Four months 14 days since your last bet; 6 months 2 days; 9 months 31 days.
Finally, twelve months had passed. That’s where we are today. Guess what though. I now look forward to each weekend to watch the only game that matters. My own team. I still get the occasional thought while watching. Those horrible thoughts of ‘what if I bet on that outcome’, but these are muffled thoughts, lessened over time, lessened with each passing day.
Every day is recovery. I don’t think i’ll ever truly be ‘free’ but you just carry on, keeping that guard up, making sure those horrible thoughts don’t drill through to the compulsive segment of my brain.
