After a reasonably successful and encouraging first week trying to overcome this anxiety nonsense, the second week ￼did not go nearly as well. With a nerve-wracking visit to the Doctor’s Surgery on Tuesday, that dominated all my thoughts in the run-up. I tried and tried so hard to keep the negative thoughts at bay. Even went for a walk early morning to try to garnish some confidence ready for my trip out.
Nothing worked though. Nothing helped, nor made it worse. There was quite an ambivalent feeling within. It was quite unnerving for this reason.
Down at the surgery, sitting in the waiting room. This is my greatest fear. Generally seeing the doctor or, in this case, the healthcare assistant, is not the fear. This is not the thing which causes so much stress. For some it would be. For me, though, it’s the waiting; the busyness of the waiting room, the knowing people are watching; feeling uncomfortable; the open plan spaces; agoraphobic feelings: the what if i have a panic attack feelings. There are so many things that go into such an experience. So much more than the average person could imagine. It really isn’t as simple as sitting there calmly, taking deep breaths and waiting your turn.
As I sat waiting, time passing, my anxious feelings grew more and more. The more i felt anxious, the more i thought about how anxious i felt and, consequently, the more anxious i became. It really was a vicious circle.
Often, before you go out anywhere, you tend to big up how bad it’s going to be and when you experience it, things go much better than you’d pre-empted. However, on this occasion, this was definitely not the case. In actual fact, it was far worse than I could ever have imagined.
Unfortunately, it did not get better once i was called into my appointment. Things went from bad to worse and, during a 20-minute consultation, I still have no real recollection of most of what the HA had to say.
I felt exceptional relief at the close of the appointment and felt i could get on with the rest of my life! However, that whole experience seemed to have a negative impact on how I approached the remainder of the week.
Now, i’ve just had a letter from the surgery asking me to come in for another unrelated appointment. Given my very recent bad experience, this letter has terrified me and right now i have no idea what to do. The session is essential, i have no option, so that makes things a whole lot worse. I have been trying to talk myself through it and am getting excellent advice on how to cope on the next visit. However, even taking this advice on board, my mind continuously comes back to sheer fear.