Every single day I wake up to the same thing. Life. Unfortunately.
After a brief interlude it seems life as we know it is back as life as I knew it. After a few happy-making weeks it seems God said ‘nah, that’s enough’ and I’m back fighting demons and trying to just survive day to day. Today is what would have been my dad’s 77th birthday. He passed away eight years ago. Last week it was my mum’s 79th birthday – is/was, who knows? Is she still a ‘thing’? fuck knows! either way, life is getting away and I can’t catch up. Often I think about what would have happened if I hadn’t just wimped out of what was my destiny a couple months ago. Should I have just done it? Would I have been better off? Would those around me been better off? Probably.
But alas, I’m still here in this mortal realm and living every single day wishing it away, hoping this feeling will fuck off. Jittery. I can’t shake that feeling. Meds withdrawal I think. What if it’s not though? What if I’m like this for life? Am supposed to take other stronger meds to counter the withdrawal of the other ones and take these other ones to replace the last ones. It’s a whole long meds story which I’d rather not be part of. Hate meds. Hate.
Every single thing i do is tempered by irritability. Can’t concentrate. Can’t focus. Can’t get my points across.
I want and need these feelings to end. I need to know that this isn’t for life. When I first realised my life was riddled with anxiety I believed it would be a short term issue and I’d simply ‘get over it’. Little did I know that 20+ years down the line not only would it not have fucked off, but it’s stronger and worse than it ever was. So, for those of you just starting on your mental health journey… good luck with that!
To add to everything I’m getting it from all angles. I can’t cope with my own crap right now but to constantly have others pile it on top is just ridiculous and is pushing me closer to that ever-nearing cliff-edge. Do I deserve a little clapback? yes probably. After all, I spend my days mocking people who are probably going through their own shit and to expect to get nothing back it’s selfish and ignorant of me!
When will it all end though? or is this it for me?
