When certain thoughts are plaguing your mind all day every day it can be so difficult to get anything done. It’s not a a simple case of occupying your mind; those thoughts are not going anywhere soon. You can ‘keep busy’ all you like, but at the end of the day, you’re still thinking the same things as first thing in the morning; you can escape; there’s no escape.
This week, in particular, has been a trying one as one of my greatest fears is to be further realised. That fear being old age. As I write this, i’m just hours away from being another year older; yet not another year wiser!
My age is just one more thing which plagues my mind on a daily basis. The problem lies with not having had time to have done everything i have wanted to do and achieve in my life due to these horrible mental health issues. Add to that the memories of better times passed whereby i’ve enjoyed life and now have no prospect of seeing those days again.
I’m not very old by most people’s standards but in my head I am past it! Everyone I’ve bothered with my age-problems have generally reassured that I am not old. However, the way I see it, I will be one year older and one less year to do anything.
Years ago I have resolved in my brain that the best thing about my birthday is that it’s another year closer to death. That’s literally the best I can do; one year nearer the end of my life. That’s some positivity right there!
The way life is every day of the week, month and year, there’s not a whole lot of positives to drag me through. Struggling and fighting against crippling anxiety, panic attacks and depressive thoughts, every moment of those days becomes so draining and tiring. It’s only natural to feel you’ve had enough, surely?
