This feeling of inner death, nothingness, emptiness, has plagued me for around a year. It is ongoing, seemingly bottomless and will never end.
But why, though?
This past year has been one of turmoil mixed in with the most beautiful feelings imaginable. Certainly nothing I had thought I would ever feel. But aside from those heartstopping, smile-making, flutter feelings, I have felt like I am being sucked deeper and deeper into my unused vacuum and there I shall remain for all eternity.
The end of an eighteen year association with the person I assumed I would spend the rest of my days, petering out, wilting away until my dying breath. Those long-drawn out days. Those days which felt like weeks. The weeks which felt like years. Being badgered and nitpicked over the very smallest detail. Being made to feel small and at the same time fat. This was a forever thing, right?
Wrong.
Getting out and staying out was never a thought which crossed my mind, particularly in light of my agoraphobic state. However, a new rush or wave of love came bouncing through my heart, giving me fresh impetus to file those papers and give me a future to look forward to rather than going through the motions until death.
The initial weeks following were blissful and heart-thumping having finally got the courage to do something I had wanted to do for years. However, that joy and relative peace slowly descended into apathy and depression as the rest of my life felt further and further away amid a never ending waiting game. The end was not nigh. The end was not in sight. The end was a distant light at the end of a forever winding tunnel.
There were times when my mind body and soul had virtually given up, given in to the ‘fact’ that this was never going to end. It did end though. Eventually. But not before I had fallen completely into a state of depression. A feeling like there’s nothing left inside me to give. Nothing more to offer the world. A broken and useless shell.
Finally I could move on with my life. The future I had craved for the past year, or years. Now, though, sitting alone in my half empty home, that apathy sat with me, right there next to me staring with me at the brand new television I had waited months to unbox. What now? Months of waiting, excited plans, ideas. That apathy now weighing me down, chaining me to one spot.
Freedom to do anything. Freedom to be who I wanted. Freedom.
Why don’t I feel free though? Why do I still feel lost and with no direction, no motivation and still with that horrible apathy which has plagued me for so many months?
Thing is life isn’t that bad. I have found the most beautiful love, the most perfect match for me. I am given daily doses of that incredible tingling feeling only found when you truly have the one who makes you feel that way. I am truly blessed and feel so incredibly lucky.
Why do I struggle to scrape myself off the sofa then?
It’s like all the months of turmoil have taken their toll and I’m still feeling those effects and I can’t pull myself out of the dark hole I’m in.
I feel dead inside. I feel nothing. Why?
