How Will It All End?

How am I still here?  or, more to the point, why am I still here?  What’s the point in my life?  All i’ve done for the past 20+ years is go from one disaster to the next.  From homelessness to eviction of my first ever home (yes really!) to 18 months of hell to being disowned by my mother to being made redundant to being kicked out by my father to being agoraphobic to being suicidal to being stuck in a lifetime of unhappiness.  My life ladies and gents!

So where does that leave me?  Fuck knows!

Back where I was a few months ago I reckon.  Nothing to live for.  Life is pointless.  Never got anything at all from life.  None of my hopes or dreams were realised.  Time is limited and I don’t have enough energy left to even bother with the rest of it.  Too old anyway to fulfil anything I want to do in life so what’s the point?

A few months ago I made the mistake of reaching out for help.  I won’t make the same mistake twice.  Useless they were anyway.  Yes, they stopped me that day from ending my life but bloody hell, they never even bothered to check that I was still alive!  That’s the mental health crisis team by the way.  Popped round for a chat to make sure I was not a threat to self and then left me to it!  The day I had planned to kill myself the wife went to Belgium and I was left to make sure I was okay.  With the help of a number of lovely friends I did not go through with it.  However, the mental health people?  Weren’t even curious to know if I was still alive!  Lovely.

You always hear stories about how people were saved from ‘doing something stupid’ and years later are so thankful that such and such saved them and their lives are so much better and are glad they didn’t do anything stupid.  However, i’m living proof that that’s a load of rubbish.  I lived on, I was ‘saved’.

• Am I glad I was?  No.
• Am I grateful I was saved?  No.
• Am I glad I’m still alive?  No.
• Is my life better now?  no.
• Do I wish I had gone through with it?  yes.

How was being ‘saved’ beneficial to me?  The same problems still exist.  The same crap day by day.  The same absolute pathetic piece of shit of a life is still existing for me.  Nothing has changed.  I’m still 46 years old.  I still have a few years left and I still have no life to live.

What am I to do?  Take one guess….